Many times we say things which we regret afterward. But once we said that word we can't take it back no matter how many apologies we say.
Why I choose this topic? This was a long weekend and I continued to copy my VHS's to DVD's and found almost 20 years old video tapes, probably, almost a quarter of the people on one of those tapes, they passed away. Persons who mean at some point the whole world to me, then the world collapsed and regrets start taking place. "Why?" it was the most common question, but even if I would get the answer, that "why" is too late now. Even if I consider my self really blessed when comes about friends, I do sometimes mistakes and I loose friends which they really gave so much to me, sometimes unconsciously I pushed them away, or I ran away.
It was in the mid 90's when I finished my high school and because I was out of my parents control since 14, I had chosen to live free, I had chosen to live more independent, financially and spiritually - result: totally WRONG, WHY? because whenever someone tried to get closer to my heart, I ran away, without realizing that I am hurting those friends, some of them might been honest some were maybe a facade, I never tried to dig more into this aspect, however, this was one of the reason why I moved from Oradea to Timisoara - not the college as I used to claim at that time - somehow I lied even to myself. This was all well for me until I've met a girl in Neptun (a resort in Romania at the black sea coast), then I was the one trying to get closer to her heart... and one year later ... Meanwhile a new era started... IRC, every teenager and almost every student in the campus start chatting on mIRC every evening, some of us from work, some from home on dial-up connections, it was fun, it was a way to hide behind the computer monitor and be sarcastic, bad or nice and friendly. Also, for me the target at that time was to get more girls and no friends, well, it was different than what I planed, I would lie if I would say that I didn't got any friend from the IRC, actually I end up with some really good friends and falling in love... no plan for that and against my will, LOL, (a lesson that I shouldn't play with feelings... boomerang effect) it's true, I had the opportunity to select them and choose who will remain and who don't in my life, but also I made some mistakes and friends for whom I meant something I didn't believed them and one way or another I cut them off. First months of the year 2000 I've made another mistake with a friend who, at that time we were working in the same field, when I felt that he gets too close, I cut him off, really rude and I'm not proud of that not even today. Words can hurt and those words has a boomerang effect, they might do a scar on the target, but when I got hit back... it was a disaster... but it was too late, as much as I tried to repair, once a word said... cannot be taken back. However, only time can heal and regaining a friendship sometimes it's harder than starting from zero.
Loosing my father in 2000 it was like an earthquake for me and another reason to prove myself that being alone without loving anyone would be some sort of protection, some sort of guarantee that I will not get hurt by anyone sudden absence in the future... another wrong idea.
Trying to get away from the people who cares about me was not really a wise idea, and I'm talking about year 2002, when I chose to move as far away possible, USA, being alone for few months, no friends, nobody around, got me to understand that friends, close friends are good... and I should have behave differently. Well, it was too late even if professionally I grew up enormously but spiritually I just have built a stone wall around my heart whoever tries to get close, get blocked by a thick wall. Some new friends which came along, got me a huge disappointment most because of financial reasons, but that would be another aspect, 3 years ago, one of my ex girl friend (even if she was for a short period gf) opened my eyes and brought another aspect... why only you are the one who's calling those friends and they never call you back? and I listened to her, she was right, few old friends, never called me back, never sent even one email... I stopped calling them, I stopped writing them, now, I'm like a stranger to them. Funny or not, she was right (hope she's not reading this...haha).
Against her advice - haha - I started to call some numbers few days ago, numbers which I found them on my email since I left Romania... out of about 80 numbers I tried several of them, and only 6 numbers were still valid, however, the most important was one of my best friend at the end of 90's and lost connection with him for more than 10 years. I can't describe how much joy I had in that day, regaining a friend was more than getting a job, getting a car and the list can go on. But what about the rest of people who were close to me and I turn my back to them? I don't know, time will tell. I heard the other day a quote from a friend on Facebook, it sounds like: I learned that anyone who is NOT looking for for you, DOESN'T miss you and who DOES NOT missing you, DOES NOT love you. Life decides WHO enters into your life, but you decide WHO STAYS. The TRUTH hurts once and lies always hurt. APPRECIATES who appreciate you and not be given priority who treats you as an option. How true...
... To be continued...
