facts...

    About 2 months ago, I gave up to my greatest job ever, it was one of the most exciting work place where I ever worked and also the place where I learned a lot of new things, a place with great achievements and also a place where I had the feeling that I ended as a 5th wheel on a car.
   There are many questions from my friends why I gave up and move from a job where I was paid XY$/hour to another place where I was paid XY.87 $/hour (XY are equal on both instances), so for 0.87$ extra....? well, it was not about the money, it was the way how I felt. My previous job was one of the longest jobs ever (almost 5 years) and it was the longest not because of money, it was the longest because I really loved what I was doing there. I failed in many things and I succeed in other things, I know that I'm really stubborn sometimes and most of the times I am challenged to be that way, but also I had the feeling that - if there's a record of what I had done - all the good things and all the efforts made to succeed were wiped out and only the bad things were kept. This is the life cycle and is shown that for a single bad thing what we do, it takes 10 good things to balance, when you see someone in a bad light, you can not see that person better, for that, our unconscious dictates that we must see that person as a cheater, bad person or whatever, regardless of how much that person will strive to prove it can do something better, that's the human nature and one year ago I've seen myself living for this work, now I'm no longer part of it. I am sad and I am glad in the same time.
Why sad? it could be few reasons here too:

•  because I put work on that network from the bottom of my heart and suddenly I felt that I was pushed away. A month before quitting I was asked if I can get another job because it would be the best for the company and me also... well, if I was the speed-bump for the company ... I have chosen to step aside.
• also sad because I left a great team, great colleagues which most of them were real friends and then coworkers and this is not easy to find.

Why glad? here are few reasons:

• not need to report hours each day, accounting presentation hours every two weeks, was a slow suicide, not because I was lazy to write hours on this sheet, but because I felt that the other 2 people are involved in counting and update times are require to do a extra job just for me..., I felt I had a millstone around my neck, and after all I have been a millstone for the company.
• I got to meet wonderful people and hope that they will remain in my circle of friends.
• Because of this company I discovered one of my greatest hobbies, skiing!

I don't know what I'm gonna do next, few projects going on, working on my own has good and bad side, depends how you look at it. I miss lot of things from my previous work place, the first thing is the network, the equipment, the calls received almost everyday from Dell, the team which used to be a while ago. In conclusion, I quit that job not because of the offer so much, but because of feeling that I am not wanted anymore there, some of you will say why I didn't discuss with anyone from the company about this... well, I can tell you that it was because weeks before resignation I was told that it would be the best if... so I did what I was suggested to do...
     Right now, I just want to leave this area, it makes me feel that I am no longer welcomed here even if nobody have told me that, at least OC it's not really a place for me, no wonder I never liked to live in cities as Anaheim, or Orange and nothing between...

     Can't wait to read this blog again after one month... will be interesting how many things has changed since now.. 06/11/2012 @ 1:58 AM.

Words

        Many times we say things which we regret afterward. But once we said that word we can't take it back no matter how many apologies we say.

        Why I choose this topic? This was a long weekend and I continued to copy my VHS's to DVD's and found almost 20 years old video tapes, probably, almost a quarter of the people on one of those tapes, they passed away. Persons who mean at some point the whole world to me, then the world collapsed and regrets start taking place. "Why?" it was the most common question, but even if I would get the answer, that "why" is too late now. Even if I consider my self really blessed when comes about friends, I do sometimes mistakes and I loose friends which they really gave so much to me, sometimes unconsciously I pushed them away, or I ran away.

         It was in the mid 90's when I finished my high school and because I was out of my parents control since 14, I had chosen to live free, I had chosen to live more independent, financially and spiritually - result: totally WRONG, WHY? because whenever someone tried to get closer to my heart, I ran away, without realizing that I am hurting those friends, some of them might been honest some were maybe a facade, I never tried to dig more into this aspect, however, this was one of the reason why I moved from Oradea to Timisoara - not the college as I used to claim at that time - somehow I lied even to myself. This was all well for me until I've met a girl in Neptun (a resort in Romania at the black sea coast), then I was the one trying to get closer to her heart... and one year later ... Meanwhile a new era started... IRC, every teenager and almost every student in the campus start chatting on mIRC every evening, some of us from work, some from home on dial-up connections, it was fun, it was a way to hide behind the computer monitor and be sarcastic, bad or nice and friendly. Also, for me the target at that time was to get more girls and no friends, well, it was different than what I planed, I would lie if I would say that I didn't got any friend from the IRC, actually I end up with some really good friends and falling in love... no plan for that and against my will, LOL, (a lesson that I shouldn't play with feelings... boomerang effect) it's true, I had the opportunity to select them and choose who will remain and who don't in my life, but also I made some mistakes and friends for whom I meant something I didn't believed them and one way or another I cut them off. First months of the year 2000 I've made another mistake with a friend who, at that time we were working in the same field, when I felt that he gets too close, I cut him off, really rude and I'm not proud of that not even today. Words can hurt and those words has a boomerang effect, they might do a scar on the target, but when I got hit back... it was a disaster... but it was too late, as much as I tried to repair, once a word said... cannot be taken back. However, only time can heal and regaining a friendship sometimes it's harder than starting from zero.
Loosing my father in 2000 it was like an earthquake for me and another reason to prove myself that being alone without loving anyone would be some sort of protection, some sort of guarantee that I will not get hurt by anyone sudden absence in the future... another wrong idea.
Trying to get away from the people who cares about me was not really a wise idea, and I'm talking about year 2002, when I chose to move as far away possible, USA, being alone for few months, no friends, nobody around, got me to understand that friends, close friends are good... and I should have behave differently. Well, it was too late even if professionally I grew up enormously but spiritually I just have built a stone wall around my heart whoever tries to get close, get blocked by a thick wall. Some new friends which came along, got me a huge disappointment most because of financial reasons, but that would be another aspect, 3 years ago, one of my ex girl friend (even if she was for a short period gf) opened my eyes and brought another aspect... why only you are the one who's calling those friends and they never call you back? and I listened to her, she was right, few old friends, never called me back, never sent even one email... I stopped calling them, I stopped writing them, now, I'm like a stranger to them. Funny or not, she was right (hope she's not reading this...haha).
Against her advice - haha - I started to call some numbers few days ago, numbers which I found them on my email since I left Romania... out of about 80 numbers I tried several of them, and only 6 numbers were still valid, however, the most important was one of my best friend at the end of 90's and lost connection with him for more than 10 years. I can't describe how much joy I had in that day, regaining a friend was more than getting a job, getting a car and the list can go on. But what about the rest of people who were close to me and I turn my back to them? I don't know, time will tell. I heard the other day a quote from a friend on Facebook, it sounds like: I learned that anyone who is NOT looking for for you,  DOESN'T miss you and who DOES NOT missing you, DOES NOT love you. Life decides WHO enters into your life, but you decide WHO STAYS. The TRUTH hurts once and lies always hurt. APPRECIATES who appreciate you and not be given priority who treats you as an option. How true...

   ... To be continued...

friends... friendship... facebook... you call it!

    Most of us got best friends, friendship starting from the childhood and some of those friends stick around us for the whole life, some of them are just as long as we need them, or some as long as we call them on the phone, or as long as we visit them.
I use to think that those are my closest friends, call them every other day, then for some reason I have to move out of that town and bang... so called friends never call to check how the things works with me there, because they don't have minutes to call you, or, they consider enough what they get from me at the time when I call them. Interesting the fact that that I can count on my one hand fingers how many friends I have left from my childhood, and how many keep the friendship balanced (both parties are calling with the same frequency in a, let's say, one year period), the rest of them.... if I call, it's all good, if not... probably they say "I can see him on facebook", oooh, really? FACEBOOK, almost forgot about the almighty facebook, thanks to facebook, my "friends" don't have to spend $0.025-0.04/minute to call me long distance to the United States (that's the usual cost per minute from Europe to the United States), or to use their airtime minutes to call and check up. Of course, we can blame the time-zone difference, or we can blame each other, but after all, let's draw a line and count how many time did I call he/she, how many time did she/he call me, then let's add a third row, how many times we think about that friend.
   So, I am wondering if the facebook actually did really got us closer? in a way about seeing pictures about our friends YES (or at least ones who post pictures of themselves online), but in a way of communication between each other... talking each other, getting closer ... for sure NO. It's true, I found some old classmates on FB, friends who I use to share things in my childhood.
  I wrote this not to excuse myself on my relations towards my friends, I am writing this mostly to blame myself, maybe for being too worried in the past with some friends and then suddenly I drop my worries and "forgot" about them.
  Some of them don't even realize that I didn't call for such a long time, some... realize that I don't call so often and probably they ask themselves why? what happened? What did I do wrong?. Well, you didn't do anything wrong... I just became one of you! :-)

dream Déjà vu?

     Sometimes I feel that I have the same dream for 2-3 nights in a row, or in some cases that I have dreamed about the same or with the same characters before. For 3 nights in a row, I had a dream about being in Serbia somewhere. I was in Belgrade with some co-workers trying to get somewhere close to Sava river and where the foreign embassies are located in Belgrade, claiming that we must stick around that area due to our own safety. However, the fact the 3 night in a row I am dreaming about the same place make me to worry about who knows what "spark" might get out of there, or, it could be that I really admired that city so much by the time when I was there in 2008?
     What should I believe? I remember that I use to read in bible about dreams, God might talk with us thru dreams, or the dreams are just a result of our worries. It might be one or another or both, we just need to de-scramble the whole dream meaning... Maybe many times we dream about the same thing, but we just don't remember. Most of the dreams are forgotten, unfortunately most of our life dreams are forgotten too.

time and space

     For almost 9 years I'm here in the US, since then, I've been few times out of the country and every travel brings me a lot of energy and enthusiasm on the way back. So? Let's go out of the country...
But just realized... I have no passport, strange feeling, but this makes me feel that I have no freedom, or that I'm condemned. I had made some plans to travel thorough Europe this spring/summer, but actually without a passport would be impossible, or it is possible, but ONE WAY only :-), might not be a bad idea, but is this what I really want? Living in Europe will add more joy? will take less or more sacrifices? I have 2 countries where I can live and work without learning a new language... otherwise I have to start from the beginning.
Ok, so let's skip this option of moving in Europe :-) what else it is? hmm, it is the living place. YES, this is the problem. I hate this place, I never liked Orange County as a place to live or at least where I lived so far, I feel here like I'm in a prison, car prison... you need a car for EVERYTHING. And if I look back, when I lived in Santa Monica, it was the most pleasant place to live, which I could call it home, even if that place was rented as this one and just a bit more expensive (which actually turns out at the end cheaper, when you take out the utilities and gas used for the car). Wondering how many of us are satisfied with their neighborhood, with their area, with their commute?
Options? not many, either move back and travel 50 miles each way for work, or find another job there, but I don't want to do this right now because the only thing what I love in OC is the job, nothing else!
However, I drive at least once a week to SM, so... moving there will cost me 4 more trips and being a little bit more happy with the living space.
     Apartment/house/neighbor reflect some of ours behaviors I guess when we're out in the crowd. I might be wrong, but in my case, there might be some truth.

I guess time will answer this and we will see after! For now I have the following conclusion:

Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile! 

should we all have the same pattern?

        Most of my old friends and I'm talking here about friends from Romania, or friends who spent most of their life in Romania, start questioning me "why are you doing that?", "why don't you do this on a different way?", "why did you move there?" and the list of WHY questions can go on and on... I had this idea with a blog for a while and I'm doing this mostly for myself, as a way to look back and see what was in my mind in that moment and how I judged everything in that particular moment. It might help also and see where I was worng. I'm not going to put any name here, at least not on this topic, but I'm sure will help me to see how WRONG or RIGHT I was in this particular moment, maybe will prevent me of making the same mistakes in the future. Who knows?

       It was a custom thing last century 'till the late 90's, that all of us has to follow our parents pattern. But is that the right way? Is that the path which bring at the end happiness? Did our ancestors follow the right path? My opinion is NO. It's true, we got way more choices than our parents, for sure our children's will have few extra choices compared with what we had or have now. Our parents, grandparents, friends, neighbors or even the whole community had a single pattern, of course with few exceptions.
       Getting back why I wrote NO: if our parents had the right pattern, I'm sure we/they would have followed exactly the same pattern as our grandparents had, of course the chain can go back thousands of years. For some, happiness is just a little house, a wife and few kids. For others, happiness means just a wife, no house, no kids, no responsibilities. And there are thousands of different answers so... I'm going to stop looking for this answer. We are all happy in our way, sometimes I realize that 4 years ago I was happier than in that moment, but 5 years ago I had more sadness than today. It depends also how we see the future... but every day it's the first day of the rest our life, I guess we have to enjoy and focus on what we do, on every moment, no matter if we are at work, at school, driving, on the train, at home... being sad today it's not a guarantee that tomorrow I will be happier, but being happy today guarantee that tomorrow I have a nice memory from yesterday.

       We have to make ourselves happy first, but our happiness doesn't have to relay on anyone's sadness. I didn't thought about this before, but giving my pattern to someone because that pattern works for me, doesn't mean that pattern will make someone else happy or will work on his/her case. I loved to travel since I was 6 or 7, and proudly say that I was blessed enough to see a good part of this world and I know, there's always place for more :-), but for some, travel it's just a nightmare. If X loves to be a mechanic, X doesn't come to me and say: you should be a mechanic too! of course, the list can go ... and about me being blessed to work, live and spend time with people who were more than I deserved or deserve now it's not a grant that I should always receive. We/I should be a blessing at least the same way for them, for the ones who are around us. I'm sure that we will always receive back our kindness :-).

       WHY should go away from my vocabulary in many contexts, because my way is not the right way! It might be the right way for me and for maybe one more person of the other 6.5 billions.

Enough for today!

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.  ~Andy Rooney